- Main Menu >>
- Fiction Home >>
- Authors >>
- Dizghuye Ovadhere >>
- They Won’t Shut Up
They Won’t Shut Up
by Dizghuye Ovadhere (and Jess Messinger)
I guess we start with why I'm here (he’s here to take over the world because he thinks he can talk to aliens and demigods… as if), but that's gonna sound crazy (yes, yes it does), so let's save that little pearl (meaning, the whole idea of a chosen one who communicates to both aliens and demigods?) for after we've warmed up a little (in my opinion, I think we've heard enough about aliens to last a lifetime. And demigods; don’t even get me started; he won’t shut up about them. Ironically, his claim is that they won’t shut up.)
I'm religious, at least I was as a child (so? He just said he is religious, as in currently in the present moment, and then negated that claim in the same breath with the next words separated by just a comma. Same as saying, "I'm not religious, but I was once, or used to be." But either one of those would be less misleading than his claim). I thought everybody naturally obeyed the laws of the bible (they do; he's probably one of the very few who still don't remember any of the commandments, let alone follow them. I'd say start with 'not committing adultery' as the easiest example of one he never concerned himself with, and he can probably testify to his own sins on the others. Not a thief though, I’ll give him that, but yeah, Dizzy’s a sinner.) when I first learned them. I was eager to learn what all the adults knew; unfortunately, what I was taught is quite horrifying (that! But he never paid any attention, so how could he know the lessons were horrifying? In his defense though, his ADHD excuses at that time have turned out to be a valid explanation of why the lessons he learned were skewed by a legit learning disorder into what he now interprets as horrifying in nature. Or whatever he said, I don't know? Wasn't really listening to him anyway.)
I remember spending weeks in math class learning how to make sure you can time the crash just perfectly between two trains heading towards each other at different speeds (I'll give him that one. It kind of makes sense what the point is he's trying to make—that students are taught the physics behind a head-on train crash and the timing and distance equations to know where and when the collision would occur is somewhat inappropriate for a young, impressionable mind. And that was always one of the questions in standardized intelligence tests, so it does seem to be a prominent lesson in creating destruction for generations of children to be measured against for future success, but I would hardly go as far as to label those lessons as 'horrifying.' Maybe questionable at best?). A whole year was dedicated to drawing pictures (I think he means kindergarten, which precedes students old enough to read or write, so there was lots of drawing instead. So what? It was kindergarten!), playing weird classroom games where the teacher's favorites were always first (I think he was emotionally scarred in kindergarten, if this is still referencing that same year. Seems like a lot of time dedicated to kindergarten complaints. Hope he shuts up already about that.). And of course, learning about dinosaurs (wow! Jumped a whole year ahead there! I'm not saying 'Boring!', but I'm not, not saying that either!). I remember when I asked why we were being taught about dinosaurs, the teachers would always say: "if you don't learn your history, you're doomed to repeat it." (that! ...or really, he's mixing and matching memories from different years of his elementary miseducation.) They continued giving me that excuse right up until WWII. (I'm sorry? His family was in that war and his claim was that it was wrong to learn the history his own ancestors were a part of? I'm going to pray this is actually going somewhere interesting, cause it's not interesting at all so far...just sayin!) How exactly are we going to repeat dinosaurs? (we're not) Who's going to rise up like another Hitler? (now there's someone who finally might finally qualify as 'horrifying.') Who actually remembers the Alamo a week after learning about it and then realizing it's not even what you'll be tested on for college entrance exams, so can't remember a shred of knowledge about it except that people died (I gotta give him that. I even forgot it was a battle.)
And dinosaurs? How the fuck is that relevant? Through the magic of Disney? Is Disney going to miracle us a new Jurassic park in Cuba, allowing them to feed off of our neighbors as we sit back and say, 'good thing that's not us!' Last time I checked, the only magic at Disney is the miracle that they don't even accidentally teach children a single valuable lesson in life with their pointless cartoons of how children should definitely not behave should they find themselves locked in a tower. No, no do not let a stranger climb up your hair and enter the tower. He can smell that you haven't showered in 18 years from the base of the tower. If he's still willing to climb up that nasty ass, brillo-pad textured hair that's never been cut or cleaned, believe me, he's not coming to save you. The psychology behind these cartoons end up with a lot of naive young ladies with not a single clue of what real life is like, and emotional scars that could have been prevented if a false fantasy reality wasn't built up in the children's minds with useless childhood educational lessons and cartoons that reduce the imagination to an unused mental repository to be later improvised into a trauma center for the brain. (Awesome! Nice rant! No argument here. What? He's funny sometimes.)
So where was I? (imagination repository... go on!) oh yeah... Why I'm here. We'll get to that (you mean to take over the world because he thinks aliens told him to? Uhuh...zzzzz...), but first let's address that childhood desire to become an adult (kindergarten? again?! Omg! Get over it!). You see as adults, you're all a bunch of hypocrites (from a child's point of view, maybe, buy yeah, no we’re not, just you.) All of you (if you consider yourself an adult) teach children with your actions not realizing if your words don’t match your actions, the child will ape your behavior, not obey your commands. You teach your children with your actions and (and he’s one to talk! In his defense, no female will dare allow him to impregnate her, so that’s a plus.) you preach of selflessness and kindness and all that bullshit nobody actually does.
The angel Gabriel (here we go with the demigod nonsense) said to me, “You shall rule with a mighty fist and a gentle bark.” I might be paraphrasing a little (for real?), but the idea is that actions speak louder than words and we already have rulers with iron fists that speak gracefully until the votes are cast and then change their tunes so much it’s like each member of the orchestra was given the sheet music of a different song to play. (I didn’t understand that analogy, but I like the political satire he’s bringing.)
And with a single touch of my hand, the king remembered how much the aliens love him. That touch opened the doors for me to assume control as the first ruler to actually make things better for the people without making anything else worse in the process. The demigods all agreed, and the aliens backed me up. Their superior intellects and advanced technology made any possible threat against them invalid and “cute.” Just like a baby punching an adult in the shin… cute.
I first met the great leader of the aliens, who I thought were angels from heaven at first, under false pretenses. They were luring new recruits for their army so that they wouldn’t have to fight the humans themselves. Brainwashed humans would battle each other on their behalf until the planet was ripe for a hostile takeover by an advanced race of alien lifeforms. Those who didn’t fall for their brainwashing schemes fell victim to their cruel court system where humans were tried and punished for crimes against the alien’s laws, not the laws of our planet.
So when we finally met; me and the alien leader, it would have quickly led to a galactic court hearing, which would have ended with my certain death, but I was the perfect balance between naïve and knowledgeable to convince them that I would make an ideal leader for the collection of brainwashed humans forming their intergalactic army against our planet. As the deal was struck, the dark angel return in voice alone and commanded me to accept the alien’s offer as it would lead to the greater good being accomplished for all humans alike. (See what I mean? Dizzy’s imaginative or crazy. It’s hard to tell which one, isn’t it?)
To be continued….